My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
