i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
