I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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