i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
She's the barista slut.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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