I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
