I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
