My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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