someone owes me an orgasm
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
