so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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