I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
