i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Can vaginas get frostbite?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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