I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
