alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I am spending my child support on dildos
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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