U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
