My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Randomize
