im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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