Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Ketchup is God's man juice
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
A+ Viking dick
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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