probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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