No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
