why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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