im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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