the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
