someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
