Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
