you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
