well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Randomize
