the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Randomize
