you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
