Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
