Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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