my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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