I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
