a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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