I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
