don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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