I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
