i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
