You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
