You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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