I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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