I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
