My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
