I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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