when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
