It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
