So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
