All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
50% drunk capacity currently
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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