Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
