I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
