Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
